Welcome!

What might you say during our first office meeting after the formalities and my question, "Now, please tell me what's troubling you?" Let me guess.     "I'm filled with so much anxiety when trying to be sexual that I fail. I just can't function."     "I admit to faking it, not to hurt his feelings. If the truth be told, sex is an ordeal and having an orgasm is a far off dream."     "We just seem to be drifting apart, trying to live on a sex free diet. Maybe we've fallen out of love and it's good-bye."     "Sure, we were a fantastic pair for a while. But today sex is a boring chore like shopping and walking the dog."     "He just grabs me when he wants some quick pleasure, without any concern for my feelings. He has a closer relationship with the television set."     "I'm worried about being oversexed. It's all I ever think of and it's interfering with my job, my relationships, my life."     "You can't imagine how lonely and angry I am at being treated like a stranger, like I'm invisible."     Sound familiar? I hear it day after day in every variation from singles and couples, newlyweds and seniors. But, reassuringly, I also sense in my clients a strong thread of hope and a desire to explore what brings them to therapy.     Hope for practical answers to the dreariness and distress of their sexual dilemmas. Desire to explore new ways for realizing the promise of sensual love.     Like them, you, my reader, have reason for hope and expectation. Being sensual is being human, and it's within the power of your mind and body to heal, refresh and nourish your quality of life.     With this book as a compass, that power can be released as you plot a course through subconscious terrains, as you move past the barriers blocking your path to sexual fulfillment.     This book is also my office. Please invite yourself in by turning the page for a visit that guides and advises. Welcome to an adventure in sexual self-discovery and joyful change! Donald Etkes

Chapter 1

COMING TO OUR SENSES - It's All in the Head and the Skin

Stress, yes, stress. Name what most retards sexual pleasure, and it's stress: Pubic Enemy Number One, to recoin a phrase. Stress is not only the fallout of nagging doubts about sexual prowess; equally, it's a mind/body state in which overwrought partners fail to relax, fail to surrender to a full hearted, sensual give and take. FIRST, STRIKE THE FEAR WORD "INADEQUATE" FROM YOUR VOCABULARY OF SEX. UNLESS YOU'RE AMONG THE FEW DISABLED BY PHYSICAL DYSFUNCTIONS WHICH NEED MEDICAL TREATMENT, CONSIDER YOURSELF AN ABLE LOVER WHOM STRESS HAS TEMPORARILY STILLED.     Stilled by what? Workday tensions, family distractions and discords, unrealistic expectations of one's self or partner, or poor communications exact a heavy toll on intimacy. Stress intrudes and invades the bedroom from all four corners.     A couple long annoyed with each other's clumsiness and insensitivity try again and again to no avail. Although seemingly in harmony, a sexual athlete and sexual couch potato can't get their act together. Warm milk is the only bedtime treat of once ardent lovers who wonder why. An older couple ruefully accepts that weeding their flower beds is life's surviving pleasure. And on and on.

Chapter 2

LOVE: THE X FACTOR - The Ingredient That Makes It All Work

What should the ideal sex life guarantee? Evidence of your tireless ability? A failproof indoor sport? A round of applause from your jubilant mate? A refuge from a bad day? A non-prescription sleep aid?     Many of my clients would bid for all five, but an often unspoken expectation is for sex to show that they deeply matter to their partners. Plainly, sex alone cannot grant that wish without the sometimes elusive X factor...love.     However it's portrayed in romantic literature or heavy-breathing films, in my view, love is a state of caring and sharing. It involves affection and warmth, along with openness, respect and generosity. Without it, intimacy and sexual fulfillment are beyond reach.     By that definition, is the X factor in short supply in your relationship? After the passage of time, do you still deeply matter to each other? Has suffocating togetherness, conflicting attitudes, numbing routine, flagging desire or rising indifference extinguished loving as you once knew it? Is the drama of love, it's passion and the ache for closeness, as distant a memory as the day you met? If you had it to do all over again, would you?

Chapter 3

SAY IT LIKE IT IS - Communicate, Communicate, Then Negotiate

This chapter could alone run the length of this book; it's that central to sexual well-being. In the final analysis, communication is the platform on which all relationships stand or from which they fall. Good communications nourish a wholesome, enduring union in which sex is a beautiful though relatively small part. Bad communications guarantee pain and disaster.     Communication, says Webster's, is "a process by which meanings are exchanged between individuals." Taking it further for our purposes, communication is the applied art of learning your partner's real needs in life and love, and expressing your own without hesitation or evasion.     What often induces miscommunication is the way meanings of the same words are differently interpreted. Press your ear to my door and eavesdrop on a revealing session. NICOLE: I tell him over and over again what I want. He doesn't seem to hear me, he just doesn't listen. DR. ETKES: How would you like him to respond?

Chapter 4

SEXUAL SHARING ALA MODE - There's More to Sex Than Intercourse Alone

Moments after returning from work, Ralph would almost daily press his wife to the sofa for sexual interludes that averaged three minutes each. He would later retire for a solitary evening of television.     "I feel like his appetizer before dinner," complained Joanne who coaxed her husband to my office for help in solving a predictable problem. She was inorgasmic during intercourse and Ralph was baffled. For years he mistook his wife's stoical acceptance of his living room ritual for affectionate approval, until she rebelled.     "I don't know why he never asks me what I might want," Joanne protested. "I'd like him not to be so automatic and rush things so much." Not Knowing Can Hurt You     Ralph's bewilderment discloses a classic gender gap: the misunderstandings that often open wide rifts between partners. Many people fail to recognize or respond to their companion's sexual nature and desires. Many times, the unwitting offenders are men.     Statistics bear this out, and little wonder why findings of nationwide surveys among married and single women should encourage their mates to mend their sexual ways. According to The Hite Report, about half of all American women seldom or never achieve orgasm during intercourse. And this leads to a point I strongly believe: few women are disinterested in or repelled by sex; the problem rests at times with men who are ungiving or unschooled in lovemaking.     Physical or deep-rooted psychological blocks could suppress some women's abilities to reach orgasm, seemingly under any circumstance. When uncertain why, first consult with a physician to rule out organic causes. Then see a psychotherapist who would attempt to detect and treat acute emotional problems which might obstruct full and satisfying climaxes. This is a common difficulty among women who were sexually abused in childhood.

Chapter 5

YOUR PLEASURE MENU - Seven Entrees for Sexual Feasting

Sex therapists are psychotherapists specialized in helping dissolve barriers preventing clients from fully realizing and enjoying their sensual lives. They teach techniques for arousal and emotional fulfillment that bring greater satisfaction and happiness to people's sexual selves. Among them are few techniques I praise more highly than the Seven Pleasures. Enjoy! PLEASURE NO. 1 - TOUCH & TINGLE     Despite its frivolous name, Touch & Tingle is an earnest technique for learning how to ignite powerful turn-ons in yourself and in your newly met or lifelong partner. Like prospectors searching for a lode of gold, both of you will mine for special sites along each other's body--often at locations which unexpectedly spawn vivid sensations. You'll also learn to identify what prompts the erotic feelings.     As a sexual skin game, Touch & Tingle should be played before engaging in the other pleasuring techniques in this chapter. In the future, foreplay will be enriched by your findings across the treasure map of your lover's body: the touch that quickens sexual response, the islands on the skin that harbor delight. REMEMBER THAT NO TWO PEOPLE HAVE EXACTLY THE SAME SENSORY "FINGERPRINTS" ALONG THEIR SKINS. YOUR CURRENT PARTNER MAY RESPOND DIFFERENTLY THAN PREVIOUS PARTNERS. SO, LIKE A SHREWD DETECTIVE, LOOK EVERYWHERE TO UNCOVER HIDDEN CLUES AND SURPRISES.     Your tools of the trade? Ten different objects among your household's odds and ends --- each partner independently chooses five. Some possibilites: an orange, feather, hairbrush, scarf and candle might do. If these aren't handy, find facsimiles. But don't improvise with hostile items like bowling balls. It's fun time and the mission begins.

Chapter 6

ASSUMING POSITIONS - The Twists and Turns of Sinuous Sex

Intercourse offers partners a large number of inspiring positions for lovemaking that may far surpass their expectations. Depending on the position, a shift of limbs or a twist of torsos could deepen penetration and sensation --and switching positions midway in intercourse could suit changing moods and passions. One might prolong intercourse, another might speed a climax.     Above all, introducing new positions in the spirit of experimental fun (romping like playmates in a toy shop) lifts intercourse from its predictable routines. Review these pages for a foretaste of much that is at hand for intense romantic pleasure. Following foreplay, select new alternatives to intersperse among old standards.     There are no hard and fast rules for assuming positions for the first or any time. Flow into them naturally, and discontinue or modify those which seem too uncomfortable or daunting; partners should make it known when certain positions are beyond them or not to their taste. The purpose, here, is to explore a realm of fresh possibilities for sexual innovation, and to perfect techniques through practice. The Body Bountiful     By the numbers, there are five basic positions from which all variations spring: man-above, woman-above, standing, side-by-side, and rear. Bring to whatever position you attempt a sense of jubilation for the sharing itself, for the loving event that intercourse can be. MORE THAN ANY OTHER FORM OF PERSONAL CONTACT, INTERCOURSE EPITOMIZES THE JOINING OF THE WHOLE OF YOUR BODY, EMOTIONS AND SENSATIONS WITH THOSE OF ANOTHER. EXULT IN THE SUBLIME CONNECTION OF MINDS AND FEELINGS THAT CAN OCCUR IN THE PLAY OF MAKING LOVE.

Chapter 7

YOUR SEXUALITY CYCLE - Understanding What Makes You Tick

During the mid-Fifties, pioneering sexologist William Masters detected and described the four phases of sexual response. Of what importance are they to you?     Understanding their dynamics sheds light on some of the difficulties you might encounter if one or more stages were skipped or disrupted. Of itself, that understanding could be useful for self-help, although psychotherapy is a far more promising recourse for obstinate problems. THE EXCITEMENT PHASE     As excitement mounts, partners experience vasocongestion, a quickened flow of blood throughout the body, largely to the genitals. Blood pressure, heart and breathing rates increase as the vagina moistens, the clitoris and breasts swell, and nipples erect (some might invert). A similar metabolic change in the man engorges his penis with blood, extending and hardening it.

Chapter 8

WELCOME TO FANTASY ISLAND - Sensual Tours Through Sexual Wonderlands

Bob and Ginny seemed ill at ease at their candle-lit table in a chic French bistro. The astute waiter read the clues: the couple's hesitant talk, stolen glances and the moment Bob chanced a timid touch on her arm. "Aha, a first date," he thought.     Well, yes and no. The middle aged patrons later left hand-in-hand for the address they shared as husband and wife for twenty years. Bob and Ginny had reenacted the details of their first rendezvous. They fantasized their beginnings by repeating them, simply to help restore the romantic friendship of their earliest days.     Fantasy is a fuel that stokes the ebbing fires of sensuality in the mind. SEXUAL ENJOYMENT IS DETERMINED BY YOUR STATE OF MIND. By recapturing the magnetic feelings that once drew them together, Bob and Ginny were helping revive the anemic physical relationship of recent years. And reliving first dates isn't the only kind of fantasy I champion for my clients. Wake Up to the Land of Oz     Fantasy is a way to release the playful child who may still reside in your unconscious mind. That child learned to relate to its world through lighthearted games such as Space Trips to Mars or Playing House. That same child, now grown up and ushered back into your life, could turn your reality into a thrilling sexual playpen styled for adults. Welcome to the fun and pastimes of Fantasy Island and imagine:     You are a beguiling foreign spy with a Bratislavan accent using sexual bribery to pry state secrets from an American nuclear scientist.     You are a naive youngster learning the skills of manhood from a street-wise older woman.     You are the bride of the Frankenstein monster, taming him in the only way you know.

Chapter 9

IS THERE SEX BEYOND MYTH? - Evicting Demons That Haunt the Boudoir

As night settles over the mansion, a dashing adventurer resolutely climbs the grand staircase with his bride gripped in his arms, her eyes flashing in fury, her fists flailing. Daybreak, and she wakes in a sea of rumpled sheets, contentment in her cat-like stretch and cozy smile.     For film buffs this scene from Gone With the Wind plays out a triumphant moment in sexual consummation. But for sex anthropologists, if there are such, we have here a slice of movie hokum as malicious as it's wrong-headed.     Yet despite the sexual revolution and women's liberation movements, the mythology of Rhett Butler and Scarlet O'Hara still goes to our heads. And that makes for troubles under the sheets.     Man woos rebellious woman...man subdues and seduces woman...woman rejoices and blooms, and the story spools out its fictions. Remember, the Silver Screen is cobbled together from nonsense and dreams. While it's perfectly okay to impersonate Rhett and Scarlet in fantasy play, in everyday life it's a sham, a mockery of what sexual alliances could be, but too often are not. THE MYTHS THAT MEN AND WOMEN COMMONLY BRING TO SEXUALITY JUST AS COMMONLY BRING THEM TO THERAPY. THEY CARRY WITH THEM THE HEAVY BAGGAGE OF BOGUS NOTIONS THAT COULD FATALLY DAMAGE RELATIONSHIPS.     Many half-truths concerning both genders breed misconceptions about sex. It has been said that sexuality is not a domain in life that necessarily lends itself to rational thinking. But if you still insist your viewpoint is free of faulty beliefs and unrealistic expectations about male and female behavioral roles, take this quiz.

Chapter 10

BEING LITERATE IN LOVE - Sex Can Be More Like a Tryst Than a Trial

Before opening my files to Donna and Alan, please understand they're coined names for typical clients with core problems often brought to me as a therapist. Or should I say as an educator, since teaching can play a large role in what I do. Regard them as examples of people who have since learned lessons in loving that could also inform you. Quick sketches: DONNA     She was not one to mince words. When pressed by her husband to join him in counseling, Donna insisted the problem was his. "He knows nothing about women or what they expect from sex. There I am, willing enough, waiting for something, anything, but his romancing is more like a Marx Brothers farce."     Donna, who had few sexual attachments before meeting Alan, brought a timeworn notion into their marriage. Lovemaking, it goes, is a natural act as instinctive as breathing. She cited the example of our primate cousins, implying that chimps in heat don't need tutorials in courting behavior.     Donna expected that Alan, as a male of his species, also came programmed by genes and hormones for a flawless fusion of two minds and bodies, in obedience to what she called the "eternal laws of love." But for them, lovemaking was less a physical melting than a psychological meltdown. ALAN     He was at wit's end; his mate's scorn and ridicule inflamed his guilt. "I don't do right by her, though I try," Alan said, "I'm supposed to take to sex like a fish to water, but feel I'm drowning in defeat."     Desperation crept into their intimacies; Donna taunted his haste to get on with it, his awkwardness, and jeered at his premature ejaculations. With his wife as judge and jury, Alan was sentenced to "get help and prove you care for me from the waist down."     Their story is not a morality tale casting Donna as a shrew and Alan as a whipping boy emasculated by her rebuke, although her demands on Alan were unrealistic and he meekly accepted all the failures as his. The issue, here, was their common belief in intuitive lovemaking, that knowing what to do and how to do it comes packaged with the genitals. And Alan was somehow shortchanged by nature. Love and Learn     Sexual pleasuring is a learned art, not a reflex born in the womb to males and females. Sexual pleasuring is a seasoned skill which, like all skills, calls for an apprenticeship and practice. The education of Donna and Alan began with their consent to get to know each other better. Not through self-denying effort, but through fun and games.     They learned to tell one another explicitly what delights each physically. Donna would reduce Alan's distress by turning off censure and complaints, and would return the pleasuring. Both would ease the pressures on lovemaking with amorous play while postponing intercourse for a later date. And both were sworn to uphold a rigorous code of conduct during the early weeks of their schooling, a program I also commend to others:     1. NEVER assume your partner is a mind reader who knows precisely, or even remotely, how to satisfy your needs and wants. The idea of importing into a current relationship what worked for you sexually in a past relationship is often wrong; people can differ greatly in what pleasures them emotionally and physically. Successful lovemaking that is full-hearted and giving is not the stuff of presumption.

Chapter 11

LOVERS IN TOYLAND - Playthings and Whatnot for Sexual Funsters

Like most recreational pursuits, lovemaking has its own distinctive equipment called sex toys, and many adults know of some. A few such playthings have long and notable histories as artifacts created for the cave dweller's favorite indoor sport.     How exactly do these toys fit in this primer of pleasuring? Like icing on the cake, they could add a dash of flavor to the sensual feelings aroused by your two primary playthings: the brain and skin. If you're inclined, buy them after you've begun communicating fluently with each other and have perfected the other suggested erotic techniques.     Sex toys ARE NOT props to replace the loving touch, prolonged foreplay or the melding of partners in heart and mind. Sex toys ARE for fun and games: for a periodic indulgence, for sensual exploits and for hearty good laughs at the very least. LAUGHTER LIKE THAT OF THE CHILD YOU ONCE WERE CAN AUGMENT YOUR PLAY WITH SEX TOYS. THERE'S NO SENSE TO THEM AT ALL WITHOUT A SENSE OF HUMOR.     If accepted in the spirit of amusement, not out of dependency, sex toys could be friendly boosters of adventure and fantasy. Of course, not all are equally appealing or comfortable to use; people either adore them or dislike them.     Rather than spring a bedtime surprise by making a theatrical entrance dangling an ominous appliance, shop together for purchases you both fancy. Browsing through a specialty sex shop or sex product catalog could itself be exciting. Now for some facts and fallacies.

Chapter 12

SEX IS A MANY SPLENDID THING - Exploring Alternative Pleasures and Condoms

The surge of sensation during intercourse is largely evoked when the penis is entirely enclosed and the vagina is fully filled. A flush of feeling follows when nerves throughout the genitals are excited all at once. But if we accept the whole body as a sensual instrument, as I ask you to do, why not put all of its parts and places into play.     No, I'm not provoking a dispute over the niceties of oral or anal sex. "Fine for gays and lesbians, but those practices are not for me," is one bias against them that might be too emotionally loaded for civil debate.     Nevertheless, straight partners often enjoy these alternative ways of loving, or otherwise could deny themselves sensual revelations out of groundless fears or distaste. Such disapproval is a vestige of how males and females were taught as children to view their sex organs: differently by gender and frequently with disgust. But why?     The moral conventions of societies and cultures like ours have sentenced the genitals to solitary confinement, to be kept out of sight and out of mind. Psychoanalysts like Sigmund Freud early observed that associating sex organs with certain body functions could deter fastidious lovers. After all, the sex organs are also conduits for urine, menstrual fluids and other secretions, and the nearby anus casts its own dark shadow. What Price Purity?     While in childhood, girls are beset by admonitions that sometimes mold lifelong prejudices: lectures from finger-wagging parents never to touch their private parts. Translating into, they're dirty and it's naughty. Little wonder that women imprinted with such early messages would reject certain sexual exploits. And, a squeamish male might become entangled in the same illusion of the vagina and his own organ as unclean, as No Man's Land for the lips and tongue.     On the other hand, young boys are more familiar with their penises, having been taught in toilet training how to manipulate their members when urinating. Although handling the penis to perform a body function may have been condoned by parents, the vagina was regarded as a shameful embarrassment to be confined to quarters.     If you too are restrained by these feelings, but are still bold enough to suspend them for the joys of discovery, let's embark on new adventures.

Chapter 13

DOUBLE INCOME--ZERO SEX - How to Leap Over the Great Vocational Divide

Since opening its doors, the P & L Pharmacy dispensed only marital hardships to its owners, Phil and Lois.     Exhausting hours left them no time or energy for lovemaking; so they insisted, echoing excuses made by many working couples for their own lives of sexual scarcity.     "We're always in each other's space, week after week, and sex just seems to have disappeared," Lois said. Phil, who joined her in therapy, added: "How can you accept a business associate as a sex partner when the bed is for sleeping off the day's headaches?" The sexual impasse of these professional teammates also afflicts many working couples.     The problem is widespread and growing as housewives in large numbers are entering the job market out of economic need, disrupting the conventional middle class family structure. Career oriented women have also fled the kitchen in droves for opportunities in business and the professions.     Although mostly content with the business aspect of their relationship, Lois felt unappreciated by Phil. While her desire for intimacy had declined, his had all but vanished. LEVEL A FINGER AT THE SEXUAL DILEMMA OF THESE TIMES AND IT POINTS TO FADING DESIRE. LACK OF DESIRE HAS ITS CASUALTIES EVERYWHERE: AMONG MEN AND WOMEN, MARRIEDS AND SINGLES. MANY WORKING COUPLES CONSUMED BY CAREER AMBITIONS TEND TO MAKE SEX AVOIDANCE A WAY OF LIFE.     For reasons that are hazardous to marital health, some sex avoiders are expressing displeasure with, or exerting control over partners by neglecting them and their needs. They may be rebelling against the bargains they struck: the traditional breadwinner feels displaced by a wage earning wife who, in turn, resents the double load of working a job while managing the household and children with little or no help from him.     Declining sex among working couples is seldom an isolated problem, rather a byproduct of a common quandary: poor communications, financial concerns or both. Sex is subordinated to an obsessive drive for income or professional success. It's that tradeoff which finally caught up with our couple. Putting Priorities in Order     Phil and Lois, both licensed pharmacists, are models from whose situation you might generalize ways to disrupt your own double income-zero sex pattern. Their split work shifts overtaxed by business problems made it crucial to win their agreement on several points, as it would for you.

Chapter 14

WHEN SEX BECOMES ADDICTIVE - A Reversible Threat to Health and Wealth

It's a puzzling omission: few if any popular reference sources adequately discuss sexual addiction. Although the problem is neither new nor rare, only recently has it been publicly recognized and named. And to their misfortune, many affected men and women are oblivious to their predicament, deny it or disregard its impact on their lives.     Men are especially prone to dismiss sexual excesses as natural rites of manhood. And both genders, basking in today's more sexually open climate, too often ignore or forgive behaviors that conceal a severe problem.     If you sacrifice love, family, friends or a career to an overpowering desire for sex, you're hooked. But if you acknowledge your addiction and yearn for relief, this chapter opens gateways to recovery.     My concern is that the threat of sexual addiction may be raised to suppress people's sexuality. There is no right frequency or way to have sex. Sensuality is a beautiful aspect of life, and I encourage people to enjoy as much sex as is consistent with a healthy lifestyle and personal values.     "Sexual addiction", a joker might say, "that's not a problem, that's my highest aspiration". It wouldn't be if you were Steven, a coporate executive I counseled. If he dared keep a diary of a day's exploits, it might read something like this:

Chapter 15

FIELDING QUESTIONS THAT COULD BE YOURS Others Have Similar Concerns

If I had but one consoling message for people riddled with sexual doubts, it would be this: you are not alone. Your problems are more widespread than commonly supposed, and may be open to ready solutions.     As a rule, I collect anonymously submitted questions from people attending my lectures. When read aloud, they're often greeted with recognition and relief by others in the audience. I'll try recreating such moments with questions in the lightly edited words of those who posed them, any one of whom could be you. How do you keep sex from being boring?     The same way that keeps mealtimes from becoming dull by trotting out identical dinners night after night. Why deny yourself the luxury of making love to changing recipes? Talk it over with your partner and introduce more novelty into your love life.     Leaf through Chapter 6 for tempting new positions, open a charge account at your local sex specialty shop or consult a sex product catalog. Scout your neighborhood for secluded spots--parks, highway rest stops and byways, all-night cafes --to pet and snuggle, and adapt what you see in sexually suggestive films and videos for productions of your own. Order the exciting videos described on the last page of this book. At the very least, reread the previous chapters.     How do I make myself more noticeable to men? I was recently widowed and deeply miss being held and hugged by my husband. I am loving and warm but don't think of myself as sexy.     Being noticeable to men means taking notice of yourself. Is grieving for your husband an obstacle to entering new friendships? Saying good-bye to people you once loved and lost won't betray your respect for their memories. Decide if your time of mourning is over. And like any woman uncertain of her sexiness, see yourself as you would have a new acquaintance see you.     That person would admire a woman who takes pride in her character and qualities, a woman whose concerns and interests broaden to include his. Make sure that he respects your feelings and needs, and actively seek ways to nurture your self-esteem. Consider an exercise program that invigorates and energizes after receiving a physical checkup.     Think about a new wardrobe for social activities, romantic dating or vacations to places that draw unattached men. Attend lectures and community events and seek new friendships with men and women. Join social organization that reflect your interests and attract compatible men. Above all, keep yourself active and involved in life.     As superficial as they might seem, cosmetic changes like a new, fashionable hair style, slimmer waistline, and a fresh facial and manicure could work wonders in raising a woman's S.Q. Sex Quotient, that is.

BON VOYAGE!

We've come a distance since your visit began, and I would be remiss to leave you without a token of the time and thoughts we shared. So, in parting, please carry away this summary: the four steps on your path to loving with passion. COMMUNICATE     Communication is uppermost since lovemaking abhors a vacuum, as does your relationship as a whole. Sex cannot be isolated from the countless other enterprises linking couples during their waking hours. Good talk, frank talk, friendly talk about all your needs and wants, leads to understanding and compromise--the binding glue for a wholesome and sensually buoyant union. DISCONTENT AND RESENTMENT FESTERING IN YOUR THOUGHTS ARE POOR SOIL FOR GROWING FRUITFUL RELATIONSHIPS. UNLESS FEELINGS ARE RELEASED, EXPRESSED AND RESOLVED WITH HONESTY AND CARING, SEX THAT DEEPLY GRATIFIES IS A DIM HOPE.     Sexual pleasuring is physical communication at its most artful and nourishing. But reject the false impressions telegraphed by the entertainment media: suggestions that sexual bliss is the frenzied encounter of a penis and vagina, and little more.     Your two most potent sex organs are the brain and the skin. Cultivate both and accept that intercourse and orgasm are incidental to great sex. A climax is not your first order of business when it becomes the stressful sole purpose for making love. Talk about it.     As you deemphasize intercourse, reemphasize foreplay and afterplay. Discover that the pleasure of body-length touching, caressing, hugging and massaging is sublime sex in itself. What comes next is optional.     Appreciate that feeling pleasure is a state of mind, and sexuality is not marooned under the quilts. Accept foreplay as a way of being sensual at any time and place. Foreplay could be a hand-in-hand saunter through the park at dusk...moments parked off the highway for interludes of touching and holding...Frisbee for two in the back yard... anything that bonds. FOREPLAY CAN BECOME AN EXPRESSION OF ALL IN LIFE THAT YOU ARE AND CHOOSE TO BE TOGETHER. AND WHEN IT'S SO, COULD EROS BE FAR BEHIND?

THE TEN KEYS TO SPELLBINDING SEX

1   Sexual enjoyment is determined by your state of mind. 2   Foreplay, afterplay and cuddling can be more essential than intercourse to lasting sensual love. 3   Unless partners learn to confide feelings, they have no real relationship to speak of or improve.